Gayest. Christmas tree. Ever.

So it seems that you, my beloved readers, really, really want to know that I’m gay, and that discussing my sexuality will make this a better blog — a better food blog, no less. Well, I’ve never made any secret of that fact here, but I’ve always believed in transparency and full disclosure. As such, I offer the following.

The Peacock Tree.

We purchased it from Gump’s, so you already know we’re on a slippery slope here. It’s a 5-foot-tall artificial tree sporting, in lieu of needles, 1"-diameter mylar sequins. Predominantly teal, they have variations in color, leaning bluer or greener and occasionally even flashing yellow-orange.


PeacocktreeYes, I know, it looks like Cher molted all over it. But, because this is such an exceptional food blog, we simply had to gay it up even more. First of all, 5′ is not a particularly fabulous height (trust me, I know whereof I speak), so we had to jack it up a bit. To create the illusion of virgin snow, DPaul swathed the tree’s milk carton pedestal with no fewer than three white boas, nestling in precious little red brocade boxes to complete the holiday illusion.

OK, almost there. But how could we gay this up just a skosh more? I know! Let’s put it in front of a teal, spangled drapery panel and a chair with matching pillows, and a David Hockney poster of West Hollywood! Yeah, that’ll do it. Now that’s making the yuletide gay.

But lest you  think we could contain our fabulousness to just one corner of the house, read on.

Like many homosexuals, we are easily distracted by bright, shiny things. We also have a deeply entrenched sense of kitsch. I think it’s genetic. But hey, it works for us.

Nativity scenes are so recherchΓ©. The real meaning of Christmas is reliving your childhood through the lens of pop culture, and for DPaul’s and my generation, that means Rankin-Bass stop-motion animation cartoons.


This Humble Bumble & Friends set of miniatures (gay) graces our West Elm floating shelf (Gay) in the living room. Of course, they wouldn’t look right sitting on a big, chocolate-brown slab, so we had to invest in a box of faux snow from Pottery Barn  — in the Castro, of course (GAY!).

About the faux snow: I’m pretty sure it’s just shredded grocery bags, but hey, it gets the job done. If you do choose to buy some of this yourself, get the smaller box — a little goes a long way.

Mustn’t forget the mantle!


Nothing like combining artificial snow with natural birch bark candles and some real pine cones. The coup de grace is a touch of sparkle lent by a garland of shimmering glass beads (GAY! GAY! GAY!).

So there you have it, proof that I am gay and, therefore, that this is a superlative food blog. I can now expect my traffic to rise exponentially and the publishers to come knocking on my door, contracts in hand for a book deal.

  • You win the funny blog post award!
    It’s so silly that it never occurred to me to tell everyone I’m gay on my blog. This will clearly be the key to more traffic! Oh wait… Maybe people won’t be quite as excited about taking cooking advice from a dyke as from a fag. Damn. There goes my idea. Does it help that my ex-husband is a gay man?
    I think your blog is still too butch. Try hanging ornaments on your peacock-tree that have pictures of naked men in cowboy hats, maybe? Or Judy Garland in the Wizard of Oz.
    I think it would also help if you wore a sweater that was decorated with the same mylar sequins that the tree has on them. Then again, an applique’d Christmas sweater would also work. Especially if your boyfriend wore one to match. Matching is VERY GAY.
    You may also consider purchasing a very small dog to help up your gayness quotient. (Small as in “OMG, I think we have rats in our house! Oh wait, no, that was just Fluffy! Sorry.”) Then post lots of pictures of him. GAY!

  • Silly Sean! Are you really GAY? *gasp* What a shock!

  • GFbtB: Well … we do actually have a tree ornament of ruby slippers. I am not making this up. But, there comes a point where you run the risk of overfabulizing, which has a tipping-point effect and can actually have a deleterious effect on overall fabulousness. That is NOT gay.
    Jennifer: What can I say? I’m all about the shock value.

  • I see now why K. is so covetous… that is one FAB tree. (And yes, it might have passed for straight without the boas; DPaul was so right.)
    No wonder our blog traffic is so low; had I known that gayness was the key to success, I wouldn’t have even tried. I do get hit on by women a few times a year; do you think that counts?

  • Oh what a Holly Jolly Christmas *sings Burl Ives* you’ll be having…errr, you ARE going to be wearing your Worn Out West outfits while opening presents right? πŸ˜‰

  • Amy

    I almost peed my pants I was laughing so hard by the end of this. It makes me wish I was gay so that I could have a teal Christmas tree and a great food blog.
    I wish I had more to add, but I’m laughing too hard.

  • Anita: Well, it’s a good start …
    Kat: I think Doctor Dentons with one button on the behind undone fits the camp category better, don’t you?
    Amy: You can have the teal tree and you do have a great food blog, but gayness is the icing on the cake.

  • You actually *have* three white boas? Tres gay. I’d probably end up draping my (crate) pedestal with oily dropcloths from the garage… which Just. Might. Make. Me…
    Nah. (With a name like Cookiecrumb? OTOH, you’ve met me, and I’m not exactly girly.)
    I’m resigned to another joyous, confused Christmas. Thanks for the decorating tips.

  • Actually, DPaul bought six white boas. The rest of them are on our hearth, simulating a bed of snow. And you thought it couldn’t get gayer!
    Happy holidays to ya, CC.

  • Happy Holigays!
    That may possibly be the best. post. ever. LOVE it.

  • Holigays! Why didn’t I think of that?

  • Damn.

  • That was a “damn” of total jealousy over that tree btw.

  • Someday, Garrett, you can be as gay as me. But it takes time. πŸ™‚

  • KT

    I WANT a boa mountain under my tree!
    Do you think that the fact that I am secretly a gay man, even though I LOOK like a cute, heterosexual female on the outside would up my traffic?
    If so, do you think it matters if my “snow/boas” are pink instead of white? Is it better to go for realism? Or gay?

  • In my experience, gay is ALWAYS better than realism. Reality is usually not fabulous, or at least not as fabulous. So you’ve got pink snow, what’s not to love?

  • this is the funniest, funniest post ever. it made me shake. and weep. why do you have three white feather boas? i only have one.
    and KT, you’re a gay man on the inside too??? dang. call me? we’ll go get fruity mojitos at the abbey together.

  • Wow, I *love* the tree. Will add it to my wish list right now!
    Have lovely xmas holidays,
    – fanny

  • So that’s it! I’m not on the food blogger A-List because I’m not GAY!… If I’d only known! Is being straight and still loving Cher enough? (Sorry Barbara, not a fan)

  • HILARIOUS! Brought a much needed smile and laugh to my face this morning! I LOVE the tree and all of the decor!

  • Wow, and I’d never have guessed! Thanks for clearing that up for all your readers! You’ve got me wanting a gay peacock tree now, think its time to hit the shops!

  • I love it when Cher molts. Good times.

  • Brilliant! And would you also like to see, the gayest part of *my* tree…?

  • OMG Sam — you outgayed us!

  • Sam has got you there Sean. She may have the gayest ornament in town, but you still do have the gayest tree! Too funny. That tree is outrageous. πŸ˜‰

  • OMG, the boas. They look just like snow. Perfect!

  • Mom

    WHAT?! You’re GAY?!?

  • I love the tree Sean.

  • How could I ever outgay Sean & DPaul’s gay Christmas extravaganza? I wouldn’t want to anyway.

  • Donna

    I’m experiencing a dearth of gay yuletide in Malta, land of the Catholic church, St. Paul’s shipwreck and no divorces allowed. So I’m REALLY looking forward to a gay, old time in SF…I’ve gone beyond counting days, now counting hours!! See you marvelous dudes very soon!

  • You and DPaul can come decorate my house any day! My Christmas decorations look tired, boring and pedestrian compared to yours. And no, I am not taking a picture of our tree πŸ™‚

  • Aww, I love it, all of it! And I especially love that you just happened to have 3 white feather boas around the house.
    Happy Holidays!

  • Thanks Sean. After reading this, I’ve realized just how very gay I am πŸ™‚

  • I adore that sequin tree. ADORE. One of these days, Sean, I hope to grow up and be as gay as you.